The Biggest Game Project on this Planet

#15: Bouncer, the

Aaaahhhh, Square.

Square has got a great legacy of brilliant RPG's and they have become a multi-billion dollar company through a certain alliterated franchise, and at some point in recent history they were thinking thusly:

Exec 1: "Hey, you know what?"
Exec 2: "What?"
1: "I noticed this here Terminal Illusion (renamed for integrity of those involved) game is selling pretty well! This must mean we totally ROCK at making video games!"

2: "What?"

1: "So, we could try different stuff right? We could try making.....um.....a racing game! And call it Racing Lagoon, because Lagoon is a cool word, and it's a racing game! And then, it'll sell so disasterously bad, we can make ANOTHER racing game and call it Driving Emotion Type S, because it's an outrageously stupid title, and we'll make it real pretty, cos that's what we do, but we'll throw in completely uncontrollable controls and make it suck like HELL. And Satan works right here at the marketing department, he'll tell you how much HELL sucks!"

2: "Did you take your pills today?"

1: "Shut up, right? And THEN, and THEN, THEN, we can move on to new territory and make a fighting game! YES, I'M A GENIUS! It'll sell like hotcakes, cos it will say Square on the box!"

2: "Didn't we already make 3 very poorly selling fighting games on PSX?"

1: "Yes, I ROCK, thank you for noting that. So, lately, I've been hanging out
at these bars, a LOT. And I was thinking, SHIT, it would be so totally COOL if a fight would break out now, so I could take a good look at it from a safe distance and make a video game about it. And then, I shall call it......The Bouncer! (cue 'hallelujah' choir and bright lights from the ceiling). Best. Game. Ever."

2: "You know this is gonna suck hard balls, right?"

1: "Sorry, dude, but I'm not into that kinda thing. I'm flattered though, you can give me your telephone number later."

Secretary: "Sir? The Enix Executives are here again, they're mumbling something about cooperation....?"

1: "God, I'm so sick of these guys. Tell them to go get a bottle of sake and we'll talk. No. Make that five."

And thus, another completely useless and stupid game was born from the Square Factory, simply because they fail to realise that they suck at everything that's not an RPG.

Okay, in all honesty, The Bouncer (hereafter referred to simply as: The Bouncer) is not TOTALLY crappy. It's really really short, which is good, cos that prevents it from getting on your nerves or becoming boring before you finish it.
That's good right? Hmmm.

Also, you get to choose from one of three characters at the start of every fight, slightly influencing dialogue and some events and scenes. At the end of every battle you get battle points which can be used to customize your character, by buying New Skills or raising Stats, which is also a nice idea.

It's just that it fails to get good. It is at all times mediocre at best and not very interesting. I wouldn't call it quite as bad as many of the reviews on the Internet seem to make out, but it's by no means good either.
If you like this kind of game, you might get some slight satisfaction out of it, but other than that, there is absolutely no reason to play this game.
A 6.7.

posted by Ingen! @ 11:05 AM