Sony RetardedStation 3
Remember kids! You can't spell "Playstation" without "Palsy"!
Now let me get one thing straight first, I am NOT a fanboy, never have been never will.
Well, okay, I USED to be a Nintendo Fanboy, way back when, but that was before I actually got to try out Sonic on the Megadrive, and as soon as I did, I discarded my ridiculous prejudices and learned to love the world of Video Games in its entirety.
Geez, just look at my Collection and you'll immediately see that I am not particularly partial to any Console in particular, I have just sold my soul to Capcom, and they can do with it whatever they want.
I most certainly do not have anything against Sony, in fact, I would say that if you enjoyed the NES and the SNES after it, like any sane person with taste, then the most logical next two steps would be the PSX and the PS2, rather than Nintendo's two successing consoles, the N64 and the Gamecube.
Similarly though, I feel that the Xbox 360 is by far and away the best choice to continue your life as a gamer with access to actually good games.
But I digress! Sony in itself has done perfectly fine in the past, and the PSP is also holding up very well against the Unslain King of Handhelds, it's just that the PS3 is completely stupid, retardedly expensive, and just not very well equipped.
We all know that Microsoft's success has led to Sony stealing some ideas, and that's FINE, as the Dutch saying goes, "better well-stolen than ill-conceived", and it's perfectly acceptable to steal someone's idea and implement it in your own console, it simply means that owners of other consoles can enjoy the same features as other consoles, people should be HAPPY with that, and I know I am.
In fact, I am still waiting for Nintendo to include some kind of Achievement system on the Wii, but that will probably never happen.
And that's what I wanted to talk to you about today, boys and girls, the PS3 equivalent of Achievements, Trophies.
I actually really like the system, it works exactly the same as the XBox Achievements, the sole difference being that the points you earn are not just points, but are actually used to "level up" your gamertag. Each game has Bronze, Silver, Gold and Platinum awards, each type of metal ranking in a specific amount of points, which goes towards your "experience" so to speak. Which still means you're dealing with meaningless numbers, it's just that it's slightly more interesting than a score. Experience points are better than simple score points, right? RIGHT!?
Exactly.
The only problem is that very few PS3 games actually support trophies. Unlike the XBox, where achievement support is MANDATORY (smart move Microsoft!), Trophy support is still only optional (rumors are that Sony is working on that though), meaning that not many games actually have them.
On the other hand, some games are patched to include trophies, so that's good!
An example of one of those games would be Fallout 3.
I did not know that Fallout 3 would be getting a patch to include trophies, and I did not find out, oh the irony, 2 days after I completed the game. HAHA.
Nope, they're not retro-active either, so you have to do everything all over again.
Still, Fallout 3 is a really good game, so doing it over again is not any kind of punishment. I'd been the goody-two-shoes I always am on my first playthrough of an RPG, but this game looks like it might reward you for being a total fucking arsehole as well, so playing through a second time might prove fun.
And even if it didn't, I just wanted to get ONE trophy, just to see what it's like.
So I pop in the game, and start a New Adventure. The first trophy you can earn is VERY near the beginning, awarding you pretty much just for creating a character and sitting through the basic Control Tutorial.
You get it for recieving the Pip-boy 3000, which is this game's goddamn Menu-screen, so it's not even POSSIBLE to miss.
So I sit through the opening...no wait, I SKIP the opening sequence, watch myself being born, choose my sex (loads of it please, hur hur), create my avatar (using a preset face), skip all the feature customizing features, watch mom going into cardiac arrest (am I THAT ugly!?), fade to white.
One year later, control tutorial, crawl out of your baby-pen, read the picture book to determine your skill levels, follow daddy into the hallway, fade to white.
Nine years later, your 10th birthday. What do you get for turning 10 in vault 101?
Your very own Pip-boy! Yay! Here comes my first Trophy!
So I get my Pip-boy, slightly salivating in anticipation, and silently a message pops up in the upper right corner of the screen. That's a shame, no fulfilling ploppy sound as with the Achievements, a sound that I keep hearing every waking moment of the day, but whatever, as long as I get the trophy.
So the message! It reads:
"You did not earn a Trophy"
...
...
...
Wait, what?
...
I did NOT earn a trophy?
You are
telling me I did
not earn a trophy?
Anger, frustration, confusion, and a slight feeling of amusement fueled by the ever-persistent comedian in me who actually sees the irony of the situation, surge through my body.
See, I'm not pissed I
didn't get the Trophy, like I said, it's stupidly easy to get, you just TURN ON the game; it's not like I just finished Megaman 9
without taking any damage or anything.No, it's that the console goes out of its way to tell me I DID NOT GET IT.
Could you imagine the XBox telling you at key points "achievement still locked!"!?
That's like going on a date with a really hot chick, only at the end of the evening to be left outside in the cold in front of her door, and then her quickly popping her head out to tell you "you did not score!"
FUCK!
So, as always the Interwebs shows that more people have had this problem, and it seems it has something to do with having changed your PSN account password, which I might have done recently, I can't really remember, but I had to go through quite some trouble before I was able to get Super Street Fighter II HD, and now it seems I need to delete my user account, and then recreate it, in order to fix the problem.
Haven't tried that yet, but I hope it works.
I any case, this is another fine example of Sony COCKING up immensely.
Fix it. FIX IT NOW!
And while you're at it, get some decent exclusives, make sure they STAY exclusive, and make sure they're GOOD, cos right now, I don't really know WHY I have a PS3 in the first place.
Fuck Other People
I believe the phrase is "ZOMG".
Yes! It's another update! I, unlike this blog, am NOT dead!
Actually, I've been meaning to write something for a while, and actually finding out I had some responses to the last review I wrote encouraged me to at least vent my frustration one more time, whether it be read or not.
Thanks Bert and Anonymous!
So, to the topic at hand, Fuck Other People.
A bit broader in scope than last time's FFIV review because it obviously involves a lot more fucking, about 7 billion times more, but it needs to be done, and who am I to deny the world its well-deserved fucking?
Now, don't worry, this post is not going to be quite as misanthropic as the title may imply, but I found it to be an accurate way of conveying my current stance towards the video game market, and the troublesome direction its heading in.
So what I would like to rant about, is Multiplayer, and how it is destroying the world of video games as we know it. Now I'm not even going to whine about all the sad sad people on XBox Live and PSN, spouting profanity and racism and leaving moral destruction in their wake, with names like "NiggaBlasta", "GayBlower69" or "Bob", we KNOW about those, there's plenty of people warning you for this kind of behavior, and it's definitely a worrisome trend, but it's just people being complete assholes, which is not the game's fault, as such. Also, the mute button.
No, what pisses me off nowadays is the fact that every single fucking game and its DOG, HAS to have multiplayer it seems, be it online or off. Now there's nothing wrong with hanging around with yer mates, drinking way too much, eating greasy snacks and generally treating your body the way it's SUPPOSED to, but it should not be obligatory, and it should most definitely not be included as an afterthought, or, adversely, be the sole purpose of playing a game.
If you're going to include multiplayer in your game, make sure it makes sense, and compliments the single player mode, instead of fucking up the entire game just for multiplayer's sake.
Now, a good example of a game doing this right this year, would be Gears of War 2. In fact, I daresay that Gears of War 2 is a good example of doing pretty much EVERYTHING right this year, putting a huge amount of what's on the market to shame, in terms of scope, setting, grandeur and bloody ass-kickingness.
But that's not the point, the point is that Gears 2 delivers a superb single player campaign, that works awesome in co-op as well, plus it has some really good multiplayer mode, with the much-lauded Horde mode standing out as a shining example of how absolutely fantastic online multiplayer can be.
Never does it feel as if concessions are being made for the sake of allowing other people to play at the same time. Sure, you have to switch weapons on the fly, there's no pause button or menu screen during gameplay, but switching weapons is a matter of pressing one of the four directions on the D-pad, with the up-button always linked to Grenades, down to some handgun or other, and left and right to two kinds of Big Guns of your choice, so it's really easy to manage, and you don't need anything more (well, actually, it would be nice if you could carry another Big Gun instead of a Handgun, but that's nit-picking).
But you see, the problem with Gears is that it became too popular, and now EVERYONE wants in on that "hot multiplayer action", even those who have no real business being there.
I'm looking at YOU, fucking Resident Evil 5!
FUCK YOU, Capcom, for (once again) fucking up this brilliant series.
You know what? I read this game is NOT made by Shinji Mikami, original creator of the series, the Big Brain behind masterpiece Resident Evil 4, and just all-round Badass, and not only that, but he explicitly stated he would NOT be playing RE5, because it would only "piss him off" (that's how you should read "cause him stress" anyway):
And how right he isNow in case you haven't played the Demo yet or followed the uproar around the "mowing down loads of black people" trailers, RE5 takes place in Africa (and there's nothing wrong with that, but I ain't opening that can of worms) and pits you against a horde of African Genados this time (I'm going to miss that "Un Forastero!" line) alongside some Hispanic Chick named, uh, Shiva or something? Is that her name? Is she made of Ice too? I don't even care.
By the way Capcom, smart move, you get thousands of people complaining about that whole "Caucasian shooting Africans" thing, and what do you do? You give him a
Hispanic side-kick! Hellllllooooooooooo? Way to miss the boat there hunh?
A Hispanic side-kick? In Africa? To help you kill lots of Black People?
COULD YOU NOT THINK OF A MORE APPROPRIATE COLOR TO PERHAPS EASE THE COMPLAINTS?
So yeah, she could have been Asian as well I guess (D'oh!)
Anywhore, playing the Demo, you get to chose from 2 different areas. One of them does that whole "onslaught of countless enemies" thing we already saw in the
first fucking village in RE4, way to be original there, guys, and the second one is a more linear affair, and to be honest, good fun actually.
Problem is though, your little lady-friend, whom I shall refer to as "Poorly Chosen" from here on cos I can't be arsed to confirm if it was really Shiva or not, so miss Chosen, she's with you ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Sure, you get to split up now and again (again, Gears of War stylee) but you're playing alongside the whole time, and from what I've heard, that's what the WHOLE GAME is gonna be like.
Now like I said, it actually WORKED in Gears, because Dom, stupid asshole he may be, at least is not too much trouble to look after. He does his job, and only occasionally will he be downed, and reviving him is simple. And the fact alone that you CAN revive him instead of going Game Over immediately is also a VERY smart move from the creator's side.
Now I don't know what happens in RE5 when Poorly bites the dust, but she looses health pretty quickly (Dom could take a very tough beating, even on Insane mode) and she requires you to actively look after her, which is a total PAIN if you have to do that all game long. To quote The Nerd, "Fuck that Shit!"
What's even more of a pain is that to allow for simultaneous co-op, the menu-system is now ACTIVE, so no pausing or opening screens, you just get a small window popping up, on the fly, to select weapons and healing items.
THAT SUCKS!
In Gears, you don't have to heal, because that happens automatically over time, but in RE, you're still fucking around with those dubious Herb things, so to account for all the weapons and healing items you're going to have to carry, you have like 8 or 9 slots. 8 or 9! (note to self: just look it up you lazy asshole!)
So, on the fly, with loads of Genados coming at you, you have to start plowing through your inventory actually SELECTING the item you want to use or equip. No quick selection, no nothing, open the menu, find what you're looking for, move the cursor there, and then CHOOSE whether you want to Equip, Use, Drop, Mix, Hand over, Marinate, Polish or Stick Your Dick Up the item in question. ON THE FLY WITH DOZENS OF ANGRY GENADOS COMING AT YOU WITH SCYTHES AND PITCHFORKS, not to mention the inevitable Huge Bosses you're going to have to face off against.
One more thing, RE4 was scary as Fuck! Why? Because it was just you, on your own, in a strange isolated foreign area, where people don't speak your language, and everyone's out to get you. Now most of that remains in tact, apart from the very important fact that you're not ALONE anymore. You constantly have Poorly hovering around you, being a nuisance, it was bad enough with Shelly or whatever the Hell her name was (I is good at remembring stoff), but at least she wasn't around you ALL the time. Imagine if you play a game like this with a friend! Where's the creepiness? Where's the tension? Ah well, the atmosphere is probably already ruined by the fact that it takes place in bright sunny daylight anyway.
That's one, how about another?
White Knight Chronicles.
It's being released here tomorrow, but reviews have been pretty average. Famitsu, always ready and more than eager to dish out 9s and 10s to a game, just for throwing enough money around, gave WKC 7, 8, 7, 7, which is very poor for such a hotly anticipated game, especially considering it was made by Level 5 who fucking KNOW what they're doing.
Not this time it seems...
The first shock came when I saw the commercial on TV a while back.
Here was me, really looking forward to this great JRPG, which the PS3 really desperately needs, because Disgaea and Valkyria Chronicles are slightly too niche, only to find out that what I had thought to be an old-school single player RPG experience, had now somehow turned out to be an ONLINE RPG.
Rumours abound that Sony ordered Level 5 to throw in Online capabilities to satisfy, well, someone or other, I'm not sure who on earth was waiting for this, but there you go, Sony being clueless as usual, and although it's just a rumour, the reviews pointing out the poor implementation and borkedness of the online components seem to substantiate the word on the street.
As the official Homepage states, the game will have Story (offline) segments and Live (online) segments which supposedly "blend seemlessly", but apparently do not if the rating are anything to go by. Besides how the Hell do you pull something like that off "seemlessly" anyway?
Does that mean that only the cutscenes are offline!? That seems rather pointless to me. But WHY did this game, that was looking to become such a beautiful much-needed single player JRPG, suddenly get dumbed down to poorly-executed Online RPG!?
WHY!? WHY OH WHY!?
Well, at least it still looks pretty...
It seems everything that looks even halfway decent nowadays needs to get butt-raped to provide for some unnecessary online/co-op mode, it's really pissing me off!
Co-op should be COMPLIMENTORY, not obligatory. Remember, there are still a lot of people out there who enjoy playing games on their own you know?
