The End of an Era
The PS2 is dead! Long Live the PS2!Last weekend the Noble Drs. Summerhouse graced my humble abode with his enlightening presence, and as soon as he set foot in my room, it was clear that there was only one thing we HAD to do (apart from depraved sodomical acts of the flesh), which was: Bring an End to the Tyrannical Rule of the Evil King PS2.
For years it has been bothering me with it's crappy disc-reading problems, forcing me to keep opening and closing that STUPID disc tray thingy (What a BLOODY stupid idea that was. Why does it always take Sony several YEARS to figure out what is the best design for their machines? Especially ironic since the New version is top-loading LIKE THE VERY FIRST PSX. Idiots), until it would, sometimes, succeed at reading the disc.
Can I get a "Hurray, first Model PS2!"?
I thought not.
Fortunately for the benign Drs. Summerhouse, I am enough of an asshole to actually lend people my extremely defective hardware, so he was able to witness FIRST-HAND (expect many more Hand references in this post) the Evil Powers of this Dark, Dark Device.
So without further ado, we took our victim to the top of Mount Dorm, and we contemplated on how to most effectively and violently destroy this piece of Rather Inferior Hardware.
Plenty of good ideas were offered, but since I don't actually own a toolshop, we were going to have to do this with what God has given us, ie. Our Hands and an extreme amount of blind violence and a knack for wanton destruction.
Now, extremely unfortunately, there are no pictures of the actual demolishing.
This has been recorded on Video as a warning to posterity and indefinite proof of the malificent aura surrounding this infernal machine.
As of this moment, these Video's are in careful possession of the Wise Drs. Summerhouse, who is keeping them securely locked in a titanium vault in the middle of the Andes to make sure noone attempts to copy the last remaining fragments of the PS2's demonic reign.
This means in normal language, that I will not be able to put them up on this site, let alone actually recieve them in some way or other. But rest assured, like The Ring, this video will find its way to the outside world some day.
After some serious throwing around, and scaring people away with the noise, we decided to return to my room, to take the subject apart for further investigation.
This too has been recorded on Camera, and it provides possibly the most shocking proof of the PS2's Dark Essence, because whilst I was using the utmost of my destructive powers, the PS2, believe it or not, actually FOUGHT BACK and frigging BIT ME. I swear to God, we have proof.
It.
Fucking.
Bit.
Me.
"It can't bite you! It's a Machine!" I hear you cry in desparate voices, hoping that perhaps you can convince yourself, but NO! Nothing is further from the truth!
The PS2 is a freakish mixture of Dark Matter and pure solidified EVIL.
It gave me a sharp quick snap in the left hand which would have made a Mother Crocodile proud, completely severing (or at least slightly wounding) my Pinky. And I can tell you now, that you people out there should be goddamn happy you still have a fully functioning Pinky.
You never know how important your Pinky is, until you have to live without it, and mine has been out of service for a couple of days now.
The wound is deeper than the deepest thought, thought at the bottom of the deepest ocean, sometimes I can hear screams coming from the inside.
Blood gushed forth immediately after the first attack, and I wisely withdrew my badly damaged hand to prevent further trauma to my extremities. It tried to take a couple more fingers, but I kicked it away with my harnessed foot and left it crying softly, but panting violently, in the corner of my room, where it slowly started to loose all signs of life, EXCEPT FOR MY PINKY.
I carefully inspected my wound, and noticed that I could see the bone, since, basically, there was no flesh left to hide it. What is it with PS2's and damaged hands? You tell me.
After making absolutely perfectly sure it was safe, I picked up the battered King of Darkness and inspected its fatal wounds. I then proceeded to write my name on it in Katakana, as one would a hunting trophy (at least, that's what Zorro used to do. Partly)
And here's a picture of the Perished Ruler. Be warned, it is not for the faint-hearted.
But barbarians we are not, so we decided to pay Sauron's Elder Brother his last respects by giving him a proper burial, ie we lobbed it on the garbage heap.
It seemed to feel very much at home there.
I LIKE this picture.
And that is how Kings die and New Ages are born.
The King's younger, smaller, shinier, better functioning brother has taken his sibling's place and is now working hard to repay the debts his predecessor has made.
It will probably reign steadily until its Prodigial Child sees the light of day in November, but at a severe cost.
Noone knows the future of this trouble-ridden Realm. Where will the New Powers take us? Perhaps the expected Prince will have to bow to Young Lord 360, although his reign does not seem to extend very far across the boundaries of the West.
Or perhaps the brightly burning light in the East indicates that the son of the Duke of Cube will wield the Nunchu....I mean Scepter.
We shall have to wait and see.
posted by Ingen! @ 11:06 AM
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